It’s 3:16 am and I can’t sleep. (Well not really. It was 3:16 am when I made this entry into what you could call a journal. Now I’m listening to Childish Gambino and binging on MAOAM Stripes.)
I’ve been trying to sleep for almost 30 minutes now but I’ve given up. I’ve learnt not to fight insomnia. I watched this video on YouTube.
Anyway, I’m listening to Cary Brothers. He’s my go-to guy for these types of moments. His songs always rise to the occasion. They’ve never failed me.
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University has been somewhat disappointing so far. I’m not sure I like my course, I spend more time sleeping than studying but I find it increasingly difficult to fall asleep. I’m always tired and I've gained a considerable amount of weight. The weight gain doesn't bother me so much. I just hide under big sweaters and I don't take pictures.
I’ve been putting off updating the blog because I feel guilty when I’m not doing anything related to school. I always have so much to do but I don’t actually spend my free time doing these things because I’m the queen of procrastination. I have a 'Guide to Procrastination' post in the works. That’s how serious I am about procrastination. I feel this immense pressure all the time for apparently no reason and I always feel like I’m running out of time but I’m not sure for what exactly.
I currently don’t feel like being at university is the best use of these 4 years of my life but I have absolutely no clue what I’d rather be doing. I envy those people who seem to have it all figured out and act like they’re enjoying every step of the journey. Like the boy who told me he had completed his Contract Law coursework when I had barely started to understand the question and the people who sit at the front during ‘super group’ seminars and always have all the answers. It’s not all bad to be fair. I take non-credited French classes which I like.
I attended a Law careers’ fair recently and while it answered some of my questions, it left me more confused. I don’t think I want to be a lawyer but I can’t help feeling that not going into a legal profession of some sort is going to be a waste of the Law degree I spent years and a lot of money (which belongs to my parents) getting. Yes, I know “no knowledge is wasted… blah blah blah” but that’s just how I feel.
I have a phobia for decision-making but I’m tired of being so indecisive. I mean, at what point do you stop being ‘still young to have figured it out yet’? I once had a conversation with a History student who was in his final year and he wasn’t sure what he was going to do after he graduated. He said he would take a gap year, travel and go skiing. What if I’m still as clueless as he is in my last year?
I’m not asking to have a master plan for my future with detailed routes and directions but a basic idea would be nice. I hope I don’t feel this way during the rest of my time at university. That would be horrible.
Update: Although I was sad and almost depressed when I wrote this, I currently don’t feel this way and I don't intend to drop out of university.
It comes and goes in waves.
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