First disbelief, because I never lose anything. I am scared of losing things because I’m scared of what that would do to me. I don’t like to test the boundaries of my anxiety and so; I do everything I possibly can to avoid being in triggering situations. I often imagine losing my wallet, dropping my keys in a hole, dropping and smashing my phone or iPad, missing my train. I would imagine what I would do in these situations. How I would react. I was preparing myself. But I never once considered the possibility of leaving my camera at the back of a cab. So, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know how to react.
Then anger: for being so careless, for not looking twice, for not putting it in my bag, for getting in the cab in the first place. But I still had hope. Things like this never happen to me. I once left my notebook of ideas in the library. That was the only time I had to deal with the panic of losing something. I later found that notebook at the lost property desk. I would go back to the taxi rank and find the driver and get my camera back. This didn’t happen. So, I went to the police station. Surely, someone would find it and hand it in. I still haven’t gotten a call.
Then pain. It had finally hit me. I had lost my camera and pictures and I had to deal with it. But I didn’t know how. It was hard. It’s still hard. I did the only thing that made sense at the time. I called my mum and did a big baby cry. Then I went on Google and tried to figure out how to deal with this loss. I tried to convince myself that I didn’t really need a DSLR. I could use my iPhone instead. I read many ‘film vs digital’ articles and told myself that maybe I needed a film camera instead.
At the end of it all, I’m okay. The scariest part was that I didn’t think I would be okay but I am. I haven’t turned into a huge ball of nerves or had a breakdown. Sure, I lost a camera and pictures but these things happen. Life is inherently difficult and things get lost all the time. I went for a long time believing that I was too careful to ever lose anything but somehow, it’s okay that I’ve lost something. Because now I know that I’m going to be all right.