Everyday, I grow increasingly unsatisfied with my life. I believe this stems from the fact that I don’t know what it is that I want from life. I fear that I have come to accept this deep unhappiness as ordinary and it bothers me. Why am I unsatisfied with my life? Why don’t I know what I want? What causes me this deep unhappiness? I fear that these are the questions that plague my mind at 1:40am on a Wednesday morning in the second day of September.
I am not where I want to be but I don’t know where it is that I want to be. I can’t seem to find out where it is that I want to be and so, I can’t get to where I should be. It seems that the more I try, the more confused I become. So why try at all?
I fear that my indecisiveness is costing me my happiness. But how can you make a choice and trust that it is the right choice? What makes it the right choice when all your other options might just be equally valid? Why choose?
I fear that I am wasting my time and resources on a degree that I have no real need for. I fear that at the end of it all, I am going to be left asking myself the point of it all.
I fear that I will disappoint my parents who I have tried all my life to appease, with no pressure from them to do so. I fear that they will worry that I have let this version of myself that they have come to know down. I fear that somehow, I will become a stranger.
I fear that I will fail and blame myself for even trying. I fear that I will give up too soon –that I give up too soon. I fear that even when I don’t fail, I will continue to doubt myself because surely, I don’t really know what I think I know and I will be found out –an imposter.
I fear that I don’t know what I want because I worry too much about the things that I don’t know and that I am too scared to discover.
I fear that I listen to too much Bon Iver and that I am now starting to lose my mind.
I fear that I fear. I fear that I am stuck in this fear.