This is not some novel insight into the workings of the mind. It is simply my attempt to articulate a moment of realization birthed from long periods of reflection and from trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. I probably spend too much in my head for my own good but that is not the reason for which I have chosen to blow the dust off my WordPress account. I shall proceed to use the terms ‘we’ and ‘our’ a lot in the following paragraphs but to be clear, I am really just speaking for myself. I use ‘we’ in the hope that I am not alone in my weirdness. I find it interesting that we have these conceived notions of ourselves. While that could be fine −to have a sense of our values, I feel sometimes, it can be easy to get engrossed in our own definitions of who we are or who we think we are and as a result be constrained by these definitions. It is the idea that we can get so stuck in what we think we know about ourselves that we don’t put ourselves in situations that let us think beyond and reconsider what it is we know about ourselves.
Shouldn’t we be more open to new adventures (I use this term loosely) and learning more about ourselves instead of sticking with our own notions of who we are? But it’s not that easy. I have a strong sense of self-worth, bordering on arrogance if I’m being honest (but I’m aware of this so that makes it a bit more acceptable) and that largely comes from the knowledge I have or think I have about my motivations and myself.
But we’re always changing. The person I was 10 years ago would probably not agree with some of the things I agree with now and the person I am now probably cringes at the person I was 10 years ago.
10 years ago, I was a 10 year old with serious anger management issues who would hit people if I got sufficiently annoyed; who thought music was a waste of time and spent every hour of the day watching cartoons (I once refused to wake up to go for Mass on Sunday just so I could watch a Barbie movie) and who also wanted to be an architect. 5 years ago, I still had a bad temper (but not enough to make me hit people), loved rap music, could recite the lyrics to any rap song worthy of my consideration and thought Lil Wayne was the best thing that ever happened to music (insert major cringe). My dream job was to work as an MTV VJ. Today, I am a 20 year old who thinks too much, is too nonchalant to get angry or upset, listens to too much Bon Iver for her own good and rants to unsuspecting strangers on her WordPress blog.
Having distinguished these 3 phases of my short life, the people at these different stages now seem like 3 very different people, who on the surface share very few interests and would have very little in common. The problem is, I have underestimated this change over the years and up until this moment, would have gone on to underestimate how much my interests might change in the next 5 years.
Anyway, the point of this short personal history lesson is that I have come to realise that I should not be making serious life decisions based off of what I think I know about myself and what my interests are. That might turn out to be a recipe for disaster. Another point has been to embrace the idea that I have been and can be a different person at different stages of my life because change happens. While some things such as my unadventurous taste buds and preference for the simple pleasures of life have never and will probably never change, I don’t know that in 5 years, I won’t be in the crowd at a Grime concert screaming at the top of my lungs, telling rude boy to shut up. And that’s okay.